Perseverance

I've spent the last year and three months trying to pass one test that would predict my future. After eight tries and exactly two points from the passing grade, I still didn't pass. I thought I would face one final try. Try number nine. But in a twenty minute meeting with my adviser my lifelong dream of being a kindergarten teacher came crashing down on me. I was done. No more tries. I finally had to give up. After months and months of failing and still trying, I'm throwing the towel in. God showed me the real meaning of perseverance through the last year and three months. It took everything in me to continue walking out of that testing center with tears streaming down my face saying "It's ok, I'm gonna try again." It began to rob me of all confidence in my abilities. Was I really cut out for this? Or was it just meant to break me? I don't really, truly know the purpose God had in making me go through all of that. Neither do I really know for sure what is next. But what I do know is that God has given me an unbelievable peace that I can't describe. Although it all is quite scary, I'm finding comfort in the fact that God has much bigger plans for me than I have for myself.  I'm learning that I need to stop putting God in a box.

Realizations

I need people's love. Because having people love me makes me feel like I mean something. It makes me feel special, and important and valued. What's sad is that I don't feel like that on my own when the one person whose love I need the most, I already have. I already am valued and special and important to the most important and idolized person in my life. My Father who is not only the Alpha and Omega, the Creator of Heaven and earth, but my friend. No, my best friend. The one who knows the depths of my heart. The one who knows me better than my friends and my family and better than I even know myself. The one who has every detail of my life figured out and every puzzle piece put into place. Because of this, I should feel special, important and valued every single day. 

Wake up, Jana! 

Extraordinary

My grandma was not the typical grandma in a lot of ways. She had back problems for as long as I can remember and I think around 20+ back surgeries. It wasn't easy for her to get around and she was always in pain. But that doesn't mean I don't have loads of fond memories with her. One of my favorite memories with her was Christmas day when I was probably about 8 years old. On Christmas Eve Meme kept telling us she had a surprise for us on Christmas. We were so excited we could barely stand it. When she finally brought us into the back room in her house to show us what the surprise was, it wasn't quite what we expected. Meme had jingle bells, reindeer antlers, and a tube of her red lipstick. She tied jingle bells onto our shoe laces, put red lipstick on our noses, and put reindeer antlers on our heads and made us crawl into the living room where our parents awaited us singing Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. It was adorable for the youngest of us cousins who were probably 3 and 4, but I can guarantee you that my 14 year old cousin was less than thrilled. But it is a story we tell over and over and every time we watch the home video we laugh over how less than thrilled the older kids looked. Out of all of the memories I have with my grandma, this one is by far my favorite.  

I always have thought my big family was so much fun and obviously the best.  But not until now do I realize how extraordinary it is. Not just because we get along so well and we all love each other, but because we all share a common passion.  That common passion is for our Savior. That is something that I think makes us extraordinary.  When something wonderful happens, we praise the Lord because He is good. When something tragic happens, we still praise the Lord because He is good. And today, we praise Him because the woman we love so much is not suffering anymore.  It hurts because we miss her, but we also feel so much comfort and peace because we know that for the first time in many many years, she isn't hurting or in pain. She's probably running up and down the streets of gold! She seeing things we can, right now, only dream of seeing and beholding. I know she is happier now than she ever was down here with us. That's what does and always will make each day down here without her so much easier.

I love you Meme!!

   

God's Temple

This is just a little something that was discussed among me and some friends the other day and that God has really placed on my heart...

1 Corinthians 3:16-17 "Don't you know that you yourselves are God's temple and that God's Spirit dwells in your midst? If anyone destroys God's temple, God will destroy that person; for God's temple is sacred, and you together are that temple."

I get a whole new reverence and respect for my body when I read that verse and how it says that my body is God's temple.  Why are Christian people so quick to call other Christians ugly or un-beautiful (because I really don't like the word ugly) when the fact that they have Jesus living inside of them makes them so beautiful in and of itself.  Their outward appearance doesn't even matter! It makes me feel like an awful person for judging other people before I truly know them and their heart. If you think about it, saying harsh words about or to others about their body is really destroying the Lord's temple.  He lives in them and by hurting them, you are hurting Him and destroying what He made and what He loves and cherishes.  He loves and cherishes that person that you are showing hatred towards.  He loves that body that you are being judgmental of.  He lives inside of that person and He made them that way.   

Lord, the cry of my heart is that I will be wise in my thoughts and in my words.  That I will have a heart of love and kindness and that I will not be judgmental towards others.  They are your children as am I. May I do unto them as I would have them do unto me. 

Glorifying God

Your dreams mean nothing if you're not glorifying God.

 

    Ever have one of those Sunday's where you feel like your pastor is preaching directly to you?  I had such a day yesterday.  The topic was Glorifying God.  And not just glorifying God, period.  Glorifying God in literally every aspect of your life.  To the point where you can say "It's not about me being happy, it's about glorifying God."  We were created to give God glory.  One of the main points that really hit home for me was to glorify God through your suffering.  Remain thankful to God and do not become bitter.  It's so easy to become selfish when you're in pursuit of happiness.  Everyone does it, heck, I've done it.  I've made plenty of mistakes in my life while in the pursuit of happiness.  I have to ask myself though, am I glorifying God by my actions?  By pursuing what I'm pursuing, am I giving glory to God?  Will His name be honored?  Jana, glorify God instead of prioritizing 'happiness'.